"Please Hold."

"Thank you for calling the IRS. Your call is very important to us. Your hold time is approximately 15 minutes (notice that the automated person comes on depending on the call volume). The next available representative will be with you shortly.... music.....Please enter your account number..beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep... music.... Your call is still very important to us please continue to hold.... music.. Please enter your date of birth......beep beep beep beep beep beep... music.....(notice that they tease you when they have to restart the song by saying please continue to hold and you think you're going to talk to a real person)....more music.....repeat of your 'call is very important to us another 120 times.'"
Hello, thank you for calling the IRS, my name is Rhonda, my number is 7493022394783830 (no kidding it was that long).
Yes, I'd like to know why my statement says I only paid $57 and I paid $100.
Let me verify a few things. What's your date of birth? Social Security number? Address? Marital status? Year of the inquiry you're calling about? Which statement number? What's your mother's maiden name? Do you have dogs? (okay, they didn't ask me that, but maybe I should have included that on my taxes since they are expensive, too.)
After I tell Rhonda all the information she says, okay, now that I have your account up, Please Hold (for another 10 minutes) while I look it over.
Have you ever wondered what they are doing when they tell you to please hold? I mean, you've typed in all the pertinent information when you were holding to even speak to a representative, so it's automatically up on their screen even before you talk. They know EVERYTHING about you and you haven't said one word.
What they are really doing is eating their lunch because they skipped out to deposit their check and go shopping. They've stop and grabbed a burger and sat back down at their desk. And so they're back at their desk with their headphones on, munching yahm, yahm, yahm (say like cookie monster) on their burger when, how dare the next person interrupts their lunch. They put you on hold to "research" your account. Meanwhile, they're laughing with the other representatives who are doing the exact same thing.
She gets back on the phone 5 minutes later. "Okay, after looking over your account, it seems like there was a computer glitch and now it's fixed. Anything else I can help you with?"
I have worked in the customer service representative position, people, I know what happens behind the scenes!! The secret is out..... tada.....

Squirrel Stew -- Who's coming for dinner? (PG-13 rated.)

Today the squirrels were really bothering BoBo. He's been outside waiting for them for the last two hours. I've watched him out my office window. He's just been watching them, barking at them and occasional chasing after them. Until this happened...... I think the squirrels are in heat because there's been 3 all day running around after each other from tree to tree. BoBo (I can't believe he jumped up so high) jumped up into the air, caught the squirrel's tail (meanwhile, I'm full blown running out the back door, slipped on his Rhino toy and fell down on my knee on the hardwood floors). Apparently by the time I get up and get outside, he's got the squirrel who is screaming (you don't think squirrels could scream did you?) in his mouth and tosses him up in the air. I was trying to bribe BoBo with a cookie, a treat, a ride, a walk (those are all things that he perks up for) and nothing was working. He continued to play toss and catch with this squirrel. Pretty soon it was over. I grabbed the snow shovel and threw the squirrel over into the abandoned house next door's backyard. BoBo is feeling victorious because there are no more squirrels around.

Nicknames

We all have nicknames or alias names we go by when we go a little wild and crazy, but I've been thinking about all the nicknames I've gone by. Here they are: Molly, Mol, Molz, Marley, Mon, Monie, Molna, Moley, GeorginaRafina, Connie, Judy, and the latest, Little Judy Squinch Booty. I can't help but wonder, how does one single person have all these nicknames?

The Ending to Diary of a Mad Court Reporter

Dear Diary: As I awoke to a 5:00 alarm on Tuesday morning, I did not want to get up. In fact, I couldn't think for a minute why in the world my alarm was even going off so early -- I hit snooze... 3 minutes later my alarm goes off again... why is it going off again? Now I'm awake. I have to go do Volume 5 of crazy lady in Ontario.
We get going... wow, it's going pretty good. She's answering the questions. What's the catch? Something's gotta give, right? Nope... Lunchtime. The attorney, we will call him Garth. Garth, decides that on the last day we should go ahead and have lunch together. We've eaten at this place in the hotel four times, but at different tables because we've had an "obligation" to sit apart. He spills the beans. Come to find out that the reason we've gone into such depths with this lady is because she's had a prior insurance claim and she's claimed the same things in 2005.
We went over a document from 2005 -- unbeknownst to her -- and she was like yep, that's the same outfit, yep that's the same keyboard, yep that's my tv and vcr and dvd... yep, yep, yep, yep, yep...... having no clue that's she's just sunk her own ship. The insurance company is putting together a criminal fraud charge for her, and the more she went into details, the merrier. It's like I just finished a novel of being bored out of my mind and then all of a sudden there comes a twist in the story and I'm glued to the book for 4 hours until we finish. 4:30, we're done... I actually had one of the biggest smiles on my face knowing that this has got to be the longest Examination Under Oath in history, this lady ain't gettin a dime and I've got 760 pages to still complete (it was bitter sweet.)
Crazy: So can I have your phone number?
Me: I have yours in case for spellings.
Crazy: I just feel like you're a really nice person and someone fun to hang out with.
Me: Oh, that's so nice. I don't know what the policy is on giving witness my phone numbers. I don't think it would be a good idea to "hang out."
Crazy: I feel like we've just gotten to know each other over the course of this thing.
(What I wanted to say) Lady, you know nothing about me.... I know everything about you.... NO I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND, YOU'RE CRAZY!!!
Me: Well, if I have any questions, I'll give you a call. Good luck with your case.
After some long intense days the total page count is over 1,300 pages..... luckily, I get paid per page! Can I get a whoop whoop?

Diary of a Mad Court Reporter 2

Dear Diary:Yesterday I got up at 5:00 to leave my house by 6:30 to head to Ontario for Volume 4 starting at 8:00 of this crazy lady. By 10:30 I knew we were not going to finish. I mean, how many can one person have of clothes and remember exactly where they bought them and how much they paid for them and what year they got them? I know I can't do that. It's 12:10 and we break for lunch. I took my own lunch so I could read my emails, call and talk to Cindy (another court reporter) to have her give me a pep talk to not tie my machine around my waist and jump in the pool. This too shall pass... this too shall pass.... this too shall pass -- nope, it isn't working. We start again at 1:00. Needless to say we did not finish and I got another 300+ pages. We go start again next Tuesday at 8:00. People, we haven't even gotten finished with her clothes. We haven't even started with household items. I can see this examination under oath going for 10 volumes. All I can say is, who knows a good massage person? Because my shoulders have 700 pages worth of weight on them and it feels like concrete.

WWW SMACKDOWN: Squirrel Verus BoBo

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the main event. Along one side of the fence we have a 4'5" (standing on his back feet) weighing in at 90 pounds BOBO WARD...... On the fence we have a 6" weighing in at 1 pound SQUIRREL..... Round 1 Squirrel is taunting BoBo for last 5 minutes dancing along the fence line, jumping from tree to tree, talking smack. BoBo is barking. Round 2 BoBo crouches watching patiently for the Squirrel to stop talking smack and come down and fight, more barking. Round 3 Squirrel jumps from tree, BoBo hauls butt along the fence line, jumps into the air nips the Squirrel's tail, Squirrel falls over into neighbor's yard. Round 4 Squirrel jumps up from neighbor's yard back onto the fence, BoBo jumps on the fence, Squirrel gets knocked off, falls to the ground, BoBo doesn't know what to do but bark, Squirrel fakes dead, gets up and runs to the tree. Squirrel wins today.

Diary of a Mad Court Reporter

Dear Diary: Traveling to Ontario last Monday was so refreshing. Waking up at 6, getting ready, leaving out the door by 7:30, driving in the cool 60-degree morning with the sun shining bright, I knew that my 9:00 deposition was going to be great. I arrive at 8:30 at the Holiday Inn Lewis conference room and realize we are sitting poolside... ahhhhhh... so refreshing. With a few technical difficulties with the speaker phone for the insurance adjuster who was listening from the telephone, we got started at 9:30. Maybe I'd been gazing out at the pool a little too long because before you know it, it's 12:00, lunchtime! Wow, this day is going so fantastic. I'm at 120 pages and we have no end of finishing today -- oh, well. It's a pretty good job for the most part. 3:00, man, I'm so dang tired, I wish this witness would just answer these questions. We could have been done by now. 5:00 and 260 pages, are you kidding me? We aren't even done? COME ON. Have to reschedule for Volume III.
Dear Diary: I'm not very happy today as I have to go back to Ontario to do Volume III of this crazy lady. All I can think about is $$$$$$$$$$$$. Ahhh, that helps. 9:00 we start. Oh, that's right, how can I forget, this lady won't answer the question in just a yes/no format she has to talk for 3 pages and then say yes or no. 9:30 I'm rotating my chair away from this crazy lady and have to zone out onto the pool. Ahhhhh, that's better...... 11:00, 100 pages in. Are you serious? How can you think your daughter climbed into your crawl space and was watching you at night and then coming into your apartment and steeling your stuff? Are you for real? Seriously, you think that your daughter has tapped your cell phone and listening to your conversations because you can hear an echo and then the call disconnects? Come on lunchtime...12:30 lunchtime... 1:50 lunchtime over already, what? I have to go back to work? 2:00 is it break time yet? 2:30 break time boss? 3:30, 210 pages in. I want to go tie my machine around my waist and jump into the pool and sink... make these voices in my head stop (oh, that's right, they're not in my head they are coming through my ears and into my brain and won't stop.) 4:30, we are not going to finish today. 5:15, 270 pages... not done yet. Volume 4 to be scheduled.